effin energy bars at Ironman NYC

Okay, so riddle me this: Bonk Breakers

Missing an entire Saturday at the gym was made worthwhile by Spandex (alllll shaoes and sizes - holla!) and by an excellent new protein/energy bar called Bonk Breaker.

Hahaha. BONK.

If Ironman didn't break your bonk, this will? If those Spandex didn't cut off the circulation to your bonk, this will surely get the job done.

There's even a Bonk Blog!

Effin gym trainers love us some bonk, and now we also love Bonk Breaker bars. All natural and actually pretty tasty - we'll add it to our repertoire. OM NOM NOM.

The effin gym's got moves!

Here at the effin gym, trainers are certified and codified to help you find your fitness.

Whether it's running to the light with Yeeny or flipping tires with CandyCane and MetroMacho, we try all sorts of moves - old and new!

But rest assured that our peeps' best interest is in mind at allllll times.

Stuff like the Shake Weight and this Korean machine seem great but, general rule of thumb: if you're making funny faces and need a cigarette after use - that's a different kind of work out...and smoking is really bad for you anyways!

PS. effin gym public service announcement (courtesy of Mr. G): lots of poison ivy in those woods. how about don't run around in the wild and go run a set of bleachers instead!

effin gym gets fit

FIT could probably stand for a lot of things, huh. Like Functional Interval Training (or fck it training) or maybe just F-it.

Whatever it means to you, be here to effin rock it out. Chea!

The effin gym celebrates Independence Day

We salute America with some good old fashioned sit ups, push ups, and deep deep squat thrusts.

Holla for all of our dedicated peeps who hit up the track workout on the Fourth! Thanks for not passing out in the 1000° heat.

Fact: shoulders make the a$$

It's a well-known, commonly heard thing around the effin gym that shoulders make the ass. J-fizz original tagline.

But hey. The proof is at bingo...

Happy 1 effin year!!

HAPPY 1 EFFIN YEAR!

After all the grunts, sweat, tears, and jeers...we can all high five and say wassup we did it! Hell yeah. The effin gym.

What a wonderful troop of trainers. What a great place. But it wouldn't be possible without the best effin clients around. Here's to you! Oh. Drop that cake and show mama your burpees. S'up!

Final thought:

"Drop the knife and use a fork." - Words Effin Words of Wisdom, courtesy of JC

...but what about a spoon? ha!

Join us for futon time

Those futons in the front aren't just for show.

Sure you can toss your sweats over the arm rest. Leave your effin gym bag there.

But there's nothing quite like a meeting of the minds and some deep chat after exhausting your physical energies.

Some of the best thoughts can be had there.

Gracie and McFisty are exhibiting excellent effin futon etiquette. A genuine interest in each other's notions. But leaving plenty of personal space. Ah yes. Futon time.

If you can't futon, pull up the wicker chair.

We don't joke about futon time at the effin gym.

The effin gym has a 5k to do. eff.

The effin gym is lacing up for a 5k on June 10th.  Ya'll better steer clear of our pavement pounding, superior striding, ass-hauling runners. Holla! Gracie and the effin gym blogger (that's me) volunteer to take up the rear. Seeing as we took the lead in the Memorial Day 5k, we now consider ourselves to be seasoned runners.

Quips are our true talent anyways.

CAN A BITCH GET A BULLHORN UP IN HERE??

The effin gym calls out a quarter-lifer

At the effin gym we have a tried and true saying:

You can't wash out shame. But. You can bleach it.

This would be a great time for anyone/everyone to start reminiscing about when they turned 25.  Do you have an idea as to why a mini washer and a giant cupcake (with naughty sprinkles) would be the right thing to give a gal on the down-swing into her late twenties?

Right. Now wipe that sh!t-grin off your face and hit up that Burpee challenge.

Because the effin gym also has another saying:

Sweat out your sins.

And hey, after this weekend, the effin gym's effin blogger may be in need of some of your bleach and sweats.

"You can't buy lunch for $6 these days."

J-fizz and I hit up Walgreens quick the other week after the effin gym.

At check out: a small, square package caught my eye.  It read, "5.99 for pack of 3."  You're wondering...3 what?  It was a pack of 3 magnums.

Is that supposed to be a deal or something??  Eff that.  In utter shock, I said (out loud), "Two dollars per condom?!"  Thankfully J-fizz threw out a funny to ease the poor cashier back into scanning.

True story.

So relaying this tale to the effin gym gals, Legs looked up from her prisoner squats and simply stated:

"Hey, you can't buy lunch for $6 these days"

...well, looks like you can have a 6-dolla lunch.  and dessert.

Score!


P.S.  sorry for the hiatus.  we obviously didn't win the Mega Millions.

We decided to buy a lotto ticket.

A couple of the effin trainers from the effin gym decided to spring for a lotto ticket.

Not just any lotto ticket...

Like. A $387 MILLION jackpot. Tonight.

Come on wtf were we waiting for.  And, as requested, we will DEFINITELY rename the gym "The F*ckin Gym".  That will obviously be the first order of business.  Aside from having calories removed from ice cream and cookies.

In fact.  I'm in complete support of banners and flags and effin stickers to tattoo this town with "The F*ckin Gym".  Yeee-hawwww!  Mama needs a new pair of shoes.

effin family feuds

So on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays - I have a crew that is pretty regular.  I call em, My Guys, because they're mostly in their 50s and mostly like extra fathers to me (all 6 of them).

And what's kind of neat is how My Guys like to reel in their family members...wives AND kids. It's some kind of parental torture; they get such satisfaction out of kicking their kids' butts.

So.  Last night's class had a 5 minute finale - planking (oops!  sorry...not.)

And tonight I received this text:

"My father and I just had a planking competition in my family room because he thought he could plank longer than I could.  He was right.  I'll be at class on Thursday."

AHAHA!  That stuff brings tears to my eyes.  Only the effin gym can bring out those awesome fit family feuds!  But wait - it continues:

"Don't mention it to him - I don't want him to get the satisfaction!  We almost ended up going to the track because I told him I could run a mile faster than he could...now THAT one I'm positive of!"

Hell yes.

No 'dirty dirty' necessary? No effin way!

Big props to J-fizz's hubby, Big Daddy, for this find on MSN.com - on women and their gym time pleasures (click here for the full monty).  Apparently there is this fantastic new phenomenom, known as a coregasm, and it has to do with chicks getting off on excercise.

Who knew!

"Of the women who had orgasms during exercise, about 45 percent said their first experience was linked to abdominal exercises; 19 percent linked to biking/spinning; 9.3 percent linked to climbing poles or ropes; 7 percent reported a connection with weight lifting; 7 percent running; the rest of the first-time experiences included various exercises, such as yoga, swimming, elliptical machines, aerobics and others."

So there are going to be a few changes here at the effin gym.  First thing to go are free weights.  We won't be needed those anymore - grab a rope and get ready to feel the burn.  All about the face down, ass up - feel that good good like ya should should.  HAYYY.  (and sorry fellas, this only applies to you if you like to get spiked by the spin saddles.)

The effin trainers and the effin trainees here know that we perform on the floor so that we can perform elsewhere. None of that hanky panky whoregasm crap for everyone and their uncle to see.  Wtf is this - amateur hour??  Seriously ladies, pull yourselves together.  We trainers are not that good, and your abdominals are not that strong.  Sorry.  As J-fizz put it, "if this were true, I'd be a multi-trillionaire by now."

Right? 

Think of how many cancellations you wouldn't have; all that client retention and those multiple...sets...would have us worked to the effin bone(-er?).  Are you experiencing mounting, built up tension?  Well there's nothing that a good ol' fashioned foam roller can't bend out of you.  Warning: be prepared for you heart rate to dip below rest.


BOOM.  effin gym blogger: 1 / MSN and fluffy: 0

Cr@zy Trainer Lady Say What?

Whatchu Say?

Cr@zy Trainer Lady Say:  jump on dat bench!

Cr@zy Trainer Lady Say:  hula dis hoop!

Cr@zy Trainer Lady Say:  spin faster, b!tch!

Cr@zy Trainer Lady Say:  nuh uh! not done yet!

Cr@zy Trainer Lady Say:  fix yo'self girl...!


That's right - and don't you forget it.

*courtesy of the finest physical fitness trainers at the effin gym, brought to you by the one and only effin gym blog*

the effin gym makes headlines!

BOOM, holla, hayyy!  Check out the effin gym's official write up (legit print - and not just on the effin gym blog.)  Now that's sayin' something!

This place isn't just a gym.  It's a lifestyle, it's an addiction you can't quit.  Trust me - you won't want to fight the feeling.

J-fizz and CommandO are the heart of this place.  As the owners of the effin gym, they got it right - and have truly made the effin gym a one-of-a-kind...something you ain't never gonna find anywhere else.  People who know your name, who will cheer you on, who will absolutely inspire you_nd fight through that last rep with you.  Of the people, for the people (vote for me! just kidding, I'm just the effin gym blogger)!

The effin gym gives good head(lines). Act like you don't want it.

xoxo, the effin gym

In honor of a chubby little cherub with itty bitty wings, and also in honor of heart health month, you can bet your best set of spandex that there's a WHOLE LOTTA LOVE here at the effin gym.  The effin trainers like to serve up a bit of sugar, a bit of spice - it's all about making the heart THROB.  OOooOOoOHhh yeahhh.  Pound it.  Hard.

**Please keep your own renditions of sweaty, steamy yogalates to yourselves...those mats get used by like, everyone**

But if it's playful partner poses you're into - see Nic.  There's specific form and strict spandex codes that you should adhere to...

bend and snap.

effin gym and the effin trainers

If there were any effin resolutioners, you wouldn't even know it.  Because it's February and everyone who was gutting it out in January is sticking around.  Fighting through the weeks, peeps is getting tighter.  That's what's up!

Could it be: Comand-O with all the hipster hula hoop action? McFistie's kingping kettlebells? Magpie swag and zumba zig zag?  Getting going with the J-fizz flavor of all out, wtf fitness? Or spin sweats with Bells (ps leslie's getting married!!)?  Breaking down bootcamp with Lil'Nikki?  Big rig rolling with T-rex (and his TRX bands)?  Maybe you've hit up the M/Thurs happy hour with Nic?

Keepin ya movin and groovin.

It's a good thing we all like each other here at the effin gym.

at the effin gym 'we don't work out to eat carrots.'

We do it so we can beat muffin tops, then eat the muffin tops (guilt free).

That's your effin quote of the day.  Courtesy of the effin gym pillar, J-fizz.

Effin Over-Achievers

J-fizz peeked at her phone...text received:

"WTF I just saw KTads running down Five Mile. I'm too lazy to effin get off the couch for a cookie!"

The sender of that text will remain anonymous since she has 12-pack abs herself, and hits up 5am on the regular.  Lady of lean muscle...there's no way she's ever even looked at a cookie.

But maybe avoid telling her that Foxie comes in early on Saturdays to do Hell Mill intervals...definitely don't mention LadyStoli stacking up spinning & P90X...and keep your lips sealed about MachoMetro's 3x in two-days.

Shoooo!  Effin over-achievers doin their effin thing.

Reminder: No Excuses Zone

Miss Bridget aka TheHulk ('miss' because of her youthful, pleasant nature...TheHulk on account of her green gym gear and no-nonsense flair), is a night timer at the effin gym.  She was making moves through the Monday night work out alongside her brother aka TheHulk's Brother.  They were giving each other the extra push until TheHulk's Brother started to lose wind. Until TheHulk heralded: "It's the last quarter of whatever the hell it is you played in high school, LET'S GO!"

Families that effin work out together are effin awesome.

Q: Who loves you?

A: First your trainer...then your momma.

That's right!  Mike, TheHammer, was digging deep and fighting through his set.  The Tuesday night crew was crushing J-fizz's all out arms circuit...even our  girl Gracie was feelin (what J-fizz calls) The Love through to the weekend.

So as TheHammer threw down the big boy kettlebell in a huff, glaring up from the bench.  J-fizz called out, "That's right! Who loves you?" and TheHammer replied: 'My momma.'

Oh no, sir.  First your trainer...THEN your momma. [and don't you forget it]

When we get the job done. Effin trainers know you'll be feelin The Love. Hard.

This is the effin gym blog.

This is where the effin trainers break it down.  Because no matter who comes through the door - moms, teachers, twenty-somethings, businessmen, businesswomen, kids, students, wannabes - we are all here for the same reason.

It's the squat, thrust, spandex & boom, holla, hayyyyy. 

We work hard.  We play hard.  Not flashy; nothing fancy. 

It's the grit, juice, and dirty laundry.  Don't get it?  Don't worry...we don't either.